At the beginning of this year, I lost one of the most important people in my life and, let me tell you this: IT FUCKING HURTS. Since then, survival has become my most important and vital human instinct.
Unlike relationships, grief doesn’t come with guidelines. You’re kind of on your own, trying to find a way to survive and continue living while deep down, you’re very close to dying. Coping with the loss of a loved one is the most difficult and challenging thing I have had to deal with in my young life and today still, I am not sure whether I am on the right path. But then again, will I ever be? I doubt it.
People said time will make it better but I am really starting to think it is quite the opposite. The pain is still here, stronger and unpredictable. The regrets, the anger, the hopelessness and the sorrow, only stopping with tears falling down my eyes. It’s not pretty, especially when you are trying to keep it on the low. That is exactly what grief is: a profound state of loneliness and denial where the only relief is embracing it all.
So many things I wished I could still say; so many plans we made; so many dreams and projects we still had to accomplish but this is all gone now. All I have left are blurred feelings and memories that I keep replaying in my mind and dreams, wishing you were still here.
So, today I write about pain. The type of pain that will turn you worst enemy into your closest friend. The type of pain that makes you wish you would die yourself. Something that we all will have to face, sooner or later because there is one thing I know now: death does not discriminate.
Mourning is a hard and long process and it might take me a lifetime to overcome it all.